In a previous installment, I told you that I have strange dreams. This week, my nighttime forays have been particularly interesting. A couple of nights ago “dream-me” was walking through a creek while Storage Wars‘ Barry Weiss defended me from sharks. Tiny man-eating sharks. In a creek. “Dream-me” was so impressed with Barry’s heroic efforts that I let him make love to me right then and there. In the creek. Surrounded by little sharks. Needless to say, watching Storage Wars is now like foreplay.
Last night, I dreamt that I discovered that I had a two-year-old. I guess that up until that point it had been very quiet and invisible. Well, it turned out that this kid was like a walking Webster’s Dictionary. Its vocabulary made for great entertainment at parties. Hey, if you’re going to have an imaginary toddler in your forties, you might as well have some perks. And, yes. I realize that I have been referring to the kid as “it,” but it’s okay. It’s not real. I much preferred the Barry Weiss dream.
I had a beef sandwich the other day. You’re probably scratching your head and thinking, “I know this chick has the thought-process of a red squirrel, but what does that have to do with anything?” Bear with me. Right now, eating cow in Canada is like playing a deli version of Russian Roulette. A huge beef processing plant in Alberta has been shut down due to an e coli outbreak. Can ingesting e coli cause strange dreams? If I eat more, can I pick up the Barry Weiss dream where I left off? I think I’ll go out and get myself a big steak. With a side order of bacteria.
1) Let’s face it. Humans are strange. And some humans are stranger than others. I couldn’t possibly bring up Russian Roulette without checking to see if our friends from the Far East have tried re-inventing it. Sure enough, they have. From the nation that has brought us the girlfriend lap pillow, the plunger helmet, tomato chocolate, the remote control toilet, and square watermelons, I now bring you Japanese Russian Roulette.
This kind of makes me want to dust off the old Nerf guns. Kind of.
2)And trust me, the Japanese do not have a monopoly on bizarre products. I was in the local Walmart the other day and saw something that horrified me. Justin Bieber toothbrushes. They actually sing. Four different colours are available and each one plays a different Bieber hit. Yikes! Waking up and having to endure the Biebs singing. In my mouth. Is it just me or does that seem dirty? And not in a pleasant “dreaming-about-Barry-Weiss” way.
This clip pretty much sums up the reaction I had at Walmart. Except in my head. I didn’t think I should exclaim my disbelief out loud. By myself. To no one in particular.
3) So, what kind of shallow-water dwelling shark could Barry Weiss have been rescuing me from in my dream? I think we can safely say it wouldn’t be Bruce from Jaws. Yes, that was the shark’s name.
Apparently, the world’s smallest shark is smaller than a human hand. Well, not mine. Mine are freakishly small. Like Minnie Mouse‘s hands. But with four fingers and a thumb.
This harmless little shark is the Dwarf Lanternshark, believed to be found only in Columbia and Venezuela. The Chihuahua of sharks, it doesn’t exactly instill fear. So, it would appear that my dream took place in a South American creek. And the only danger I faced was having my heels over-exfoliated by Snickers-sized sharks. Perhaps, Barry wasn’t being heroic after all. He just really wanted to touch my smooth feet.
No small sharks were harmed during the filming of my dream.
Related Links: Searching For Barry Weiss